Shattered and Broken

I have let myself go. I am no longer where I thought I was, and where I think I want to get to. Its been a rough few days. Life came at me on too many fronts and I didn't know which way to turn. And I didn't react well.

It may not happen to everyone, but it happens to a lot of people. And to some personality types it just overwhelms you.

I've written before that I have 2 competing people inside of me. A friend had me redo my personality traits using a DISC personality profile and it was obvious they were in there: the worker (apparent a D-type personality) and the home-body (a C-type). But when they try and cross over things can go really awry. I have to be honest with myself now that I am multifaceted and that's just who I am. I can change things but I can't break them.

But rewinding a little, there have been some truths said in the last few days that have made that all different. And I was noticing it today. I was down at the Mall... it doesnt matter where but at the time it was in Nordstrom's. I'm not sure why I was in there. I'm more of a Macy's person when I let lose my "metro" side. Which has been under the covers too long - you still see the vestiges of it these days - the Gucci watch, the LV wallet, the tiger's eye sapphire. But its been hidden for a while.

Being in Nordstrom for a man is a little intimidating. You can feel the sales girls following you. "Can I help you?", "Can I show you anything?", "Can I help you find what you are looking for?". I know they are told to do this. But for me I didn't have a list. But I did do something I hadn't done before. I looked them in the eye and, while I didn't want help, told them so politely. Most customers I realized didn't do that... they'd give a short "no" or "no thanks". I tried to come up with full sentences. "How are you today, sir?" (okay the sir bit rankles me - I'm not gentleman), "Fine thank you, and yourself?". Much nicer.

It may not be a full on social butterfly, but you could tell that these people weren't used to getting this. After all this was Nordstrom at the most upscale mall in Silicon Valley. Oh no - they are here to SERVE you. Perfect hair, nails and black high heeled boots and all (maybe that's why I was there!).

But the things that I have learned about myself, on my 200mph roller coaster the last few days is that you have to be open and honest. You have to respect people. Feel them out a bit.

In the end I did find what I was looking for. And the sales person gave me an extra discount (don't believe that they can't to do that). I swear she winked at me too. I can dream! She was very chatty about... you know I don't remember... it was like she wasn't going through the motions like the other sales people. Who knows, it may have been an act, but watching it from a distance I don't think so.

And perhaps I will embrace my metro side more now. I have the desire to become who I want to be. But not leave people in my wake. Bring them along for the ride too. Its fun when the breaks work and the hairpins aren't too sharp.

I will embrace where I am and where I'm going. I will make those changes. I had started. And now I will finish. But this time I will cross the right finish line. And I will make that list of what I want to do and how I need to get there. It may not be as complete as others but it will be a start. A small step in the right direction.

It needs to be a small step to let others keep up :)